|
I AM: 22 [in june], a music lover, a born radio announcer, a nail biter, creative, lazy, open minded, tired, left handed, low self-esteemed, loud, non-content, a loser, hungry, lost, an oc watcher, deep down cry baby, tough on the outside, a self pitied victim
NAVIGATION
» c u r r e n t
» a r c h i v e s
» p i c t u r e s
» g u e s t b o o k
» p o e t r y
» d e s i g n
» d i a r y l a n d
THE PLAYLIST
Listen To The Wind - John Farnham
No Sensitivity - Jimmy Eat World
Caught A Lite Sneeze - Tori Amos
Electricity - Something For Kate
![Joining You [part 1]](http://images.amazon.com/images/P/B00000IHD7.01.THUMBZZZ.jpg)
These Are The Thoughts - Alanis Morissette
There Is A Light That Never Goes Out - The Smiths
Young Man, Old Man (You Ain't Better Then The Rest) - The Dissociatives
|
posted on 2003-11-22 at about 12:39 p.m.
Fear = Scared = Weakness
it's hard to explain how at times you can feel so alone, and not just the alone you can feel when you are by yourself, but the total awearness of how the world doesnt seem to know how much you are hurting, that kind of alone, when you start thinking what you feel is like nothink that these 17 billion people could ever imagine, or sumthink they've never ever felt before, like it's so new that doctors would name it after you thats it, that is how i have to describe it... my last days: my last days will be spent regretting being here with my family, thoughts while im laying on my bed, wanting to rip my hair out, crying and saturating my pilliow... i leave the country in five days, and while it's the best thing i could dream of, my dream (on my head) seems to be breaking down, due to lack of understanding or caring in this house......there is no acknowledgment, there is nothink....and if that plane crashes, the happiest moments in my life will consist of three days spent with you, and the couple of hours of pain free-ness of this family that i might feel, thats it, if i die on the plane, the moment before i die, might be my second happiest moment....i fear that no one (besides you) cares about that, this week is going to be fucked and i know it, and i cant stop it, mum and i will fight, cruise and i will fight, richie will get on my nerves and i'll want to hit hit, and he's freak devil child matthew, and that will be my last living moments.....no, going to movies, no lets go 9out for dinner, or beer... this is my last fucking saturday in australia, but this could be my last fucking saturday on earth, and no one wants to make it/me something to remember i hate it not getting to you, i dont want to leave you alone, ever, i couldnt forgive myself for leaving you here to live, so even if im dead, i still wouldnt be happy, because i know your not.... im sorry im not happy, im sorry that i was crying on the phone, and im sorry i cant help but apologies for it....im not welcome here, im not cared for here, and half the time im not even here to people, thats why i cant be happy, there is no happy environment, and i know i've said this before, and i will keep saying it until the day comes......but thats it. im so sorry, i feel like the worst person on earth for not having a smile on my face everytime its mentioned, i have been happy, and deep down inside im soo fucking happy to be leaving a world behind, but once that smile is ojn my face, people make an effort to wipe it off, with all the strength they have, and i cant stop that, so it's so much easier to walk around with a frown, and not smile, and cry...so they can see what a pathetic fucking mess, scared person i am, so they can mock me more, til i wish that maybe i could die on the plane so maybe, jusyt maybe they'd feel one ounce of regret or anger for the way i lived with them, and how that i was an important part of their life that got looked over....... i love you, and i dont want to die on this plane, but if i do, you are the one true thing that made me so happy, and i will never forget or regret anything about you i just.... i just cant believe this is where it might end, and i still have the monkey on my back five days before my final freedom im scared and lonely and weak i dont want to eat, because i just wanna put my fingers down my throat afterwards, so i can be sick, and someone might think there might be something wrong with me i dont want to feel guity for mum dieing i dont want to feel obligated to stay, to put up with shit i dont want to be here, and no one gets that here is not a nice place here my heart is not allowed to be happy here i feel like death
missed my whore like ways?
the reality is - 2005-07-19
"listen to the wind" - 2005-07-15
asking too much, huh? - 2005-07-10
city light dot to dots - 2005-07-05
re-hashing - 2005-06-27
was || next
|
|